I currently feel like being reborn, I am not Hindu and I am not suicidal just the thought of starting over seems really pleasant right now. I think the YouTube videos of vegan business women living in countries like Hawaii or Canada have gotten to my head. I have peers (well just the one) who have run off to live their dreams and to be honest that does seem really exciting. Although I think I’m too realistic for that. I think I know my chances of making it have been cut off already because of my past, that’s why I want to be reborn; a new start as whole new me. Maybe a witty 11yr old who doesn’t lose faith in the world so soon or a wise 68yr old who has already lived life and now shares it with everyone. I don’t really know, just, anyone but me right now.
I want to cry. I think growing up in a tough survival of the fittest environment has left me shaken. I need to be strong but I want to cry. No matter what horrible things I tell myself I cannot seem to feel. Or maybe the caffeine just got to my head and when I’m saying I want to cry really I just have the jitters and need to do something that releases all this energy. Either way, I need to do something.
I don’t want to die. But I don’t want to live. I don’t want to stop either because I know time stops for no one so being stuck in this phase of loss without losing really sucks cause I have no reason for feeling so blue, there is no one else left to blame but myself.
I don’t think I’m in the right mental state. I feel afflicted just from reading that. It is clear to me now. What I feel are stress and anxiety and it is all my fault. Choosing two extreme ends of age because I am in the middle. I am unsure and that makes me feel out of control and out of touch with myself. I have allowed myself to spiral out of control into a whirlwind of a facade that it will all work out. If I sit back and do nothing, then nothing will happen.
I have cried. A few tears, but the lump in my throat isn’t so strong anymore. Maybe I can work now. Maybe it’s not too late.